Balance

Here we are 1 year into parenthood and my business is thriving. We are surrounded my people who love us and my relationship with my husband is incredible. What more could I ask for right?

Well, not much. At this point I am trying to grow my business just a bit more and appreciating that I am in a happy place. We have our health and now I feel I just need to find balance.

I want to give my all to each aspect of my life and for that reason I need to find balance between family, friends and business. I know I can it is just making the effort.

As I book more and more appointments my housework has gone down the toilet. When I’m with Mimi I want to give her all of my attention. And same for my clients.

Trying to search for a baby sitter has been challenging too. My best friend has so graciously watched her most of the time but I feel I am quickly approaching a need to hire someone. While exciting for my art, scary for me to trust a stranger. Ill figure it out though. Truly not much to complain about.

2 jobs and a date night tonight. Just missing my Mimi. Not enough time in the day for it all 🙂

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Are you thinking of us? We’re thinking of you

A year ago we were not sleeping as we awaited the arrival of our baby girl. We were anxious, tired, and hoping that her birth parents were doing alright.

Today I think of them and wonder if they think of us, or rather of her. I think of them often as I look at her and think about how lucky I am to be completely in love with this little being. I am honored that I have been chosen to be her mother.

As I watch her I wish that they are happy, healthy and living the life they dream of.

They gave us the life we were dreaming of for so long and I am eternally grateful for that. I hope for their happiness and that they know i think of them fondly and often.

With love
To my dream makers

The hard questions?????

Our home study is coming due next month and we are finding ourselves asking the hard question. What to do next? We are at the point now that we have to figure out what to do. Do we renew, and if we do are we going to start the adoption process again?

I thought we had left IVF and infertility in the past? And then I find myself considering it for one day. Not soon, just one day. And then I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. It was an emotional roller coaster filled with emotions I couldn’t control and changes in my body that were both good and bad. But is it worth considering?

Then I find myself thinking about all the same things when we first considered adoption and much more. We have this smart, funny, perfect little being who relies on us and adding a new member to the family will have an impact on her in good ways and possibly bad. We have to be ready for that and consider that we aren’t just bringing a baby into our family we are possibly bringing birth parents who could have an impact on her.

So, who knows when or where we will go from here. All I know is that I am happy to have this amazing little girl who entered our world almost a year ago and she brings us so much joy each day so either way we have our happily ever after.

Will I ever be accepted?

So I am now a Mom, it’s official. I went through hell to get here and I did all I could to stay sane in the process.

I used to get the attitude where people would say “oh you just wait until you’re a mom, it isn’t that easy” and “you won’t know until you’re a mom.” Well, here it is and not much sleep, and poopy diapers and crying and all that jazz just are part of the package. I was ready for this to be so much harder. That may sound conceited but it’s true. With all the complaining and griping I’ve listed to over the years I was ready for something way more difficult.

It is just so interesting how I’ve been listening to all this for so long and now that I’m almost a year into motherhood I am feeling like I wasn’t crazy and that when I used to say “you’ll just have to let them cry” and I’d get a response like “that’s easy for you to say, you’ll have a hard time when it’s your kid” I can say I did it and I wasn’t just saying things they were truly my beliefs.

This post has morphed a bit but the main topic was supposed to be that the other day I was discussing with a friend someone who is due and is anxious to be induced and have the baby since her other 2 were early and this one isn’t yet and I was just saying that each child is different and she should just relax. Then I got a look and “well it is uncomfortable.” I just feel the jab like well you weren’t pregnant so how the hell would you know?

And I’ve gotten a lot of that lately. Whether it is about an older child or situations that I haven’t been in yet the basic attitude of you won’t know until you’re there. Well, sure, I know my views may change and my sercumstances may be different but I know what my beliefs are and so I’m feeling like there is this vibe of you don’t know because you didn’t. Well, don’t talk to me about it then. I guess on the other hand I’ve been given a lot of advice lately about starting her on milk and giving her foods and I keep reminding people that her genetics aren’t mine so I don’t know what her allergies are likely to be if any so certain things we will have to follow the docs recommendations.

I may never have a child biologically and know what it is like to go through pregnancy but that does not negate that I am an educated person who has spent years researching and working in childcare. I just feel like many of these things aren’t necessarily about going through them but more about looking at the situation and addressing it from there.

Momma

After years of waiting and hoping the day finally came, earlier than I expected since she’s only 9 months but on my 30th birthday she said it “momma”. It was shocking and incredible all at the same time. I was filled with emotion. I had dreamt of the day that someone would call ME, Momma and it had finally come.

She is now using it like crazy, usually when she’s upset or needs something but it feels amazing every single time it comes out of her mouth. I so often look back at how I got here and wonder how I got so lucky to become this person who is called Momma and loved by this little being.

She took her first steps last Thursday, says momma, dada, papa, puppy, and hi. It feels incredible to watch her grow.

To those who are still dreaming of the day they too will hear those words – trust in yourself that you can make it through until you become a mother and that one day you will be looking back as all the pain and anger fades and this bright light smiles and says “momma”

Father’s Day!

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This is truly a year of firsts and Father’s Day was a special one. Not only had it been something we have been waiting for but also June is packed full of special days for us. We were both born on Father’s Day, a year apart, and so it holds a special place in our hearts. And our wedding anniversary is right in between 🙂 We surprised him with showing off her standing skills. She started Friday. I had been walking with her and let go but she stayed, just standing there with a stunned look on her face. So, we are now awaiting the walking.

It was a good day, she makes us complete. No matter where we go from here we aren’t missing any piece of ourselves anymore. It feels amazing.

Mother’s Day

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I have found myself looking down at this beautiful baby girl lately and feeling the need to pinch myself to make sure this is real. Mother’s Day was a truly wonderful day being it was my first of many. We spent the day together as a family. Ethan and I frequently saying “she’s so cute it’s ridiculous” or “she’s perfection” like most days. They bought me a beautiful diamond band with the most appropriate engraving my joy. Now I wear my wedding band to honor our marriage and my mother’s day band to honor our child.

And while we spent the day enjoying our time together and feeling pure bliss I felt the wounds of infertility fading because this year I too had joined the club of motherhood. There were times throughout the journey that I didn’t think this day would ever come. Now it has come and gone and I feel such honor to be her mother.

I thought of those who are still under the rain cloud of infertility and I hope that they are able to drift through this day with as little pain as possible. I hope that they know one day their wounds too will heal from the sweet cries of a child who longs for their comfort. Infertility will always be with me but it has helped me appreciate each tiny moment and helped shape me into the mother I am meant to be.

Even though we don’t speak I often think of her birthmother and wonder how she is, how they are. I wonder if she thinks of her and if they are doing well. That this decision they made has brought them peace knowing that she is showered with love each and everyday. Yes, they could have given her that but they chose us to be with her everyday and to have her call us Mom and Dad.

It is so hard to describe the amazing gift they have given us. Without them, their love and their choice I would not be a mother.

To all the Mom’s out there – I hope your mother’s day was pure bliss.

National Infertility Awareness Week (April 21st – 27th)

It is amazing how there is a week or month for everything and April is the wonderful month for infertility. I think it is completely appropriate since April is Spring and happy time of new life.  When looking back I never thought I’d find myself in such a position where I would have had infertility behind me, adopted a child and on a whole new path all before I am 30. Infertility is one of those things that can be something anyone can struggle with but it is just one of those unexpected things.

I think it is nice that there are communities out there to learn from one another ans support one another. I’ll never forget the most awful feeling of loneliness because as much as others may try they just don’t understand when they haven’t been there.

Check out www.resolve.org for a great community.

Hope restored

As I sit in her room rocking her to sleep I am soaking it all in and thinking back to all that it took to get there. She has changed our lives so much in the 5 short months that she’s been with us. Tears stream down as I think of all those who are still hoping for this bliss.

There were so many times that I felt my hope start to slip as we went through the process of infertility and adoption. Keeping the hope is such a struggle at times especially when emotions are running high. One moment in particular stands out when we were going through IVF.

We were waiting after the doctor had fertilized the eggs and so hopeful that they would grow. We had already had some hope slip away when we only had 6 eggs to fertilize, and then we got the call that only 2 were growing well and they were going to give it one more day. With that phone call all of my hope was gone. If these two eggs didn’t keep growing we weren’t going to be able to do the implantation.

Looking back today I realize it happened so that I could have this darling girl in my arms today with such an appreciation for her life and the people who chose us to be her parents. So that I could cherish each moment with her and find the thrill in every smile, change and noise she makes.

Today I have hope again. Hope that others can see through their challenges and one day look back with an understanding of the process and an appreciation for where they are.