Our first loss

January 2007, our New Year’s resolution was to start a family. Month after month we tried. Soooo much fun at first and then our birthdays arrived in June, and then the 4th of July, and then Fall crept up on us and before we knew it we were celebrating Christmas without a pregnancy. We had read books and followed the “rules” and found ourselves right in the same spot a year later. Then, out of the blue in February of 2008 I took a test and it came up POSITIVE! That happiness is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. With that little plus sign my life had all of a sudden changed completely. I was going to be a mother, my dream was coming true. We were so thrilled that we told close friends and family. Sadly on February 14th I miscarried, happy Valentine’s Day to us. We were devastated. I was angry and hurt and felt like my life was all messed up. Ethan was amazing. He supported me as we dealt with our grief. We struggled the most with what other people said though.  We got a lot of “just try again” and all the talk about all the other people getting pregnant. While it was frustrating and hurtful at times to hear comments the most challenging for me was those close to us. I just wanted to scream at them to “shut the hell up.” There were so many times when things were said and I had to keep reminding myself it isn’t about me, it’s their ignorance. I felt so very disrespected at times though.  I would have been due October 27th, 2008, a date that is ingrained in my mind forever, and on that day I was in the store. It just so happened that I walked past the baby section and found myself picking up a newborn outfit. I took it home and wrote a note to my baby I never met. A way of coping with the day. The rest of 2008 came and went and we weren’t ready to start trying again. That was very hard for our families and friends to understand. At one point I was told to “just get over it, you’ll get pregnant again.” Those words will echo in the back of my mind forever as it was not only extremely hurtful there was no sensitivity and understanding. We couldn’t just get over this loss. It was this amazing being that we loved more than anything. A little peanut made from a very special love and just as fast as “she” had come into our lives she had left. This really challenged my relationships and made me look at my life in a way that I hadn’t before. I had to figure out where to go from here. While I truly enjoyed the babies around me I yearned to become a mom (still do) and so in May of 2009, shaking, we were in the only infertility clinic here in Boise…

….we were ready to try again.


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