Seeing Red

Ugh, another month of cramps, and bloating and back aches. Today it begins, yuck!

But I feel so grateful that it shows up out of the blue these days. There was a time not too long ago when my months were filled with marking everything on the calendar, day 1 and then checking temps and using ovulation predictor tests. Well, that’s a huge money saver, it is so crazy how much those things cost, but mainly it is incredible the amount of stress that has been lifted off.

At times I felt like I was going crazy. The wishing and hoping that my period will be late. Thinking I feel PMS coming on but hoping it’s something else, my period can’t be coming again. We would work around the 2 days that the predictor says I’ll be ovulating and then each month when my period would show up once again, tears would flow. It was awful. From hope to depression with one trip to the restroom. And how to pick up and try again the next month?

My period became a rest. 5 days of knowing that I am definitely not pregnant but knowing that it’s about the start all over again. Watching the calendar, using the tests, and wishing and hoping.  I felt in such a fragile state all of the time and that is no more. With adoption I have said goodbye to those days. My intimate relationship with Ethan is back on track – its all about fun, not work. I am now more in control and filled with a different kind of wishing and hoping.


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