I Choose!

I choose to be kind

I choose to stand up for what I believe in

I choose to say what I want and need

I choose to respect others and their opinions

I choose to smile at strangers

I choose to hold my head up high

I choose not to be a victim of infertility

I choose to create my own path

I choose to follow my dreams

I choose to give back whenever I can

I choose to make the world a better place for those around me

I choose to be a good friend

I choose to be a good wife

I choose to be a good mother one day

I choose to be a good woman

I choose to forgive those who hurt me

I choose to be grateful for all I have

I choose to count the stars

I choose to appreciate the little things

I choose to kiss my husband passionately in public

I choose to do my best

I choose to compromise, when needed 🙂

I choose to laugh everyday

I choose to love fully

I choose, I choose, I CHOOSE!

I make no apologies for who I am. I can be loud, opinionated, outspoken, kind, emotional and all over the place but I have to believe that in the midst of it all there is greatness, hope and love. This Christmas I CHOOSE to not feel sorry for myself but to be happy for what I have, look forward to what will be and remind myself to reflect on all that I have made it through. The best is on the way, I can feel it!

Merry Christmas!

 

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Posted in Me

A Complicated View

More rights for birth mothers is an article on MSNBC about the suggestion that states should change their laws to allow Birth Mother’s more rights including enforceable openness agreements, free non-bias counselling and a longer period to change their mind after placement.

I am struggling with this idea for many reasons. When I think of an openness agreement I think of trust on both sides. As an adoptive hopeful parent I am being entrusted with this precious little person who by adopting I am taking on the responsibility to do what is best for him or her. I question if that would be possible if an openness agreement is enforceable. For us, and many others, we don’t have a bunch of money to go back to court if a birth parent is doing things that I don’t feel are right for my child. I question if the limitations that this leaves the adoptive family with are what is best for the child. The stress that puts on the adoptive family. As life moves forward things change. What happens when the adoptive family cannot afford to arrange a visit one year, or life gets busy and they miss a phone call? Where’s the limit? And how does a family truly be a family when they have the looming fear that they could be taken to court for doing something wrong? Is that right for the child?

I think we have to take a look at it from a more beforehand side.  We are not living in the dark ages. Women have rights, and lots of them. And counselling is one way to do that. The question I have here is that they are talking about free non-bias counselling for those who are considering adoption. Well, where is the money for this coming from? Non-profits, the state, or the adoptive family? I question how much more costly adoption can get. Our states budgets are already stretched to the max, non-profits are struggling to make it and adoptive families are paying all of their savings so they can’t afford anymore. So who is paying for this? There have been many stories I’ve read about birth parents being pushed to sign over their rights. This is very wrong, but I question what kind of counselling those who are pushed to sign are being given? Because if it is a licensed counselor then we have a completely other issue on our hands. I think we need to consider those who are giving this counselling, if they are licensed professionals then they aren’t following the code of ethics and so we need to address that.

The thing that is bothering me most and what lead me to write was the idea that birth mothers should have more time to change their minds. This troubles me because I wonder how long will they have? A week, a month, 3 months, 6 months, more? There is very important bonding that happens in those first few days, weeks and months. So does an adoptive parent move forward and bond, or do they protect themselves and try not to fall in love with this amazing little person they have longed for? And then what if the birth mother decides she wants the baby back? The adoptive parents are in a fragile emotional state as well. They have been through a lot of heartbreak and so I wonder if it is best for the baby to put those parents who want nothing more to love this child without fear of losing him or her to put them in that position.

On the other hand, is it best for the birth mother to have an additional few months, or weeks to change her mind? How does she move forward with her life after she has signed knowing that she has time to change her mind? If she goes into counselling how does she put her heart into it knowing that she can fix her heartbreak by changing her mind? I don’t know this would be best for anyone involved. I think birth mothers are strong, loving women who want what is best for their baby. I think they are women who have big hearts and I am not saying they would change their mind lightly but I question if giving them that time is right? Is it right for a month old, or 3 month old, or 6 month old to have to leave the people they know as mom and dad and learn all about a new person? Personally I don’t think that is right for the baby. The birth mother has 9 months to think about this decision and chose a family. They have chosen adoption for a reason and I wonder if when they are dealing with hormones and the sadness that they are feeling is the best time for them to make the decision to change their mind or not.

And then there is the question of money? Adoptive families are already stretched thin paying for the adoption. 10’s of thousands of dollars that they are paying for the adoption. So what happens there? Do they not have to pay for medical, lawyer, agency fees until after this waiting period that is being suggested? And then if the birth mother changes her mind is it her responsibility to pay those who were involved in the adoption? Or does the Adoptive family get their money returned or is it just a loss? I have a really hard time saying a loss is okay because for us and many others replacing that money to try again would take quite a while. Plus, is it right that the adoptive family pay for something they can’t prevent? They are paying for an adoption, not an empty baby room and a broken heart. So, I think it is only right that the issue of money be at least considered.

I think there is a lot to consider here, it is not simple and it is not easy but I hope that both the birth mother and the adoptive family are considered but mainly, the child ~ who is at the heart of it all.

13 Years Later

I remember walking down the hall after first period. Ethan was abnormally quiet and as we wound our way through everyone rushing to class. We didn’t even make it half way down the hall before he stopped me and asked “will you be my girlfriend” in the most awkward and amazingly sweet way.  He was super nervous because just a month an a half earlier I had said “no” when he asked. With a change of heart and a growing crush I said “yes.” Everyone else went quiet and we wandered the rest of the hall together smiling.

That was the beginning of what grew to puppy love, lust and true love. Here we are 13 years later, married and trying to start a family. When I think of all that we have made it through in our young years it’s somewhat of a miracle. We have truly grown together as we’ve faced our challenges through the years.

Infertility taking up 5 of the 13. It is truly strange to think of it in that sense. 5 of our 13 years together, more than 1/3 of our relationship we have been facing becoming parents and failed.

I am proud to say that we are going strong. We have an amazing relationship. We rarely fight, we discuss everything and respect one another. We are very happy together. He still makes me feel like a 16 year old, laughing until tears stream down our faces. We have so much fun together and we are blessed that we can actually say we are still in love after 13 years. Not many are able to grow together when they meet so young.

We have hope for the future and look forward to 50+ more years.

I love you Ethan Paul

A Time for Family

This week a dear friend’s sister lost her battle with cancer. Very sadly it was a very long battle and she was very young, almost 30.

My heart breaks for the family and I am so sad that there is nothing I can do but listen. This premature loss makes me reflect on the life that I have and even though she was on this earth such a short time she had a major affect on so many of us and we are so grateful to have her in our lives.

We are so blessed