Is it me?

So as I sit here awaiting another hockey game I have so much running through my head. I used to have friends who would join me for things like this but today and recently, I sit alone. I don’t often feel alone but lately it seems like I am a last thought to some of my good friends. It seems like it is coming back to, you don’t have kids. Stuff like oh I can’t do that because of the kids, only to find out later that they aren’t doing anything with the kids in the first place.

Who knows, maybe it’s just me, at this stage in my life, time will tell I suppose.

Any age?

So I found myself up late last night browsing the web when I should have been organizing the office, of course. I ended up at the mentor program on the Idaho health and welfare website. Well, that lead me to Wednesday’s child. I found myself looking at the Photo listings, I am not sure I like that word, but that’s what they call them. And found a 7 year old girl. She’s stunning, there was something about her that drew me in. After reading her profile I don’t think we are right for her as we have pets and a few other things but every now and again I find myself glancing at their faces and my heart breaking for them.

I had closed out the website and then thought, maybe I should bookmark that page so I did a quick google search and came to a whole different page. So I started looking and there he was. A 9 year old boy who loves hockey, plays and tap dance. He loves to be read to and so even though Ethan and I had decided that an infant was the direction we wanted to go first of all, we didn’t rule out an older child if it was the right fit. For the first time I found myself truly wondering, is this the right fit?

I sprung it on Ethan, sorry babe, and he took some time to think about it and to my surprise, he wants to contact them and see where it leads. Are we crazy to be considering this completely new direction?


What a difference a year makes

One year ago I was on drugs, trying IVF. I had surgery to remove my right fallopian tube in November and we started our round of drugs right around Christmas. We were so hopeful and excited. Just maybe, just maybe in a few weeks we would be pregnant.

It’s amazing how all that hope and trust and here we are a year later… hoping to adopt.

Hoping for motherhood – another heartbreak

We are a few weeks into the new year and I find myself wanting to stay positive but struggling a bit. Each year as the New Year’s approaches and I like everyone else has resolutions. While most of my family and friends are hoping for the will to eat better, or be more financially responsible. I hope for motherhood.  January 1st marked the 5 year anniversary of when we started trying to conceive. All that time ago I never thought we’d would be here today, still hoping to become parents. I find myself hoping to not reach the anniversary of a would be birthday again.  I hope for this year to be the year that I become a mother.

After our miscarriage it took us awhile to heal. Our family and friends pushed for us to “try again” and they really didn’t understand why we weren’t doing anything about the situation. Sure you get hurt but you try again. It wasn’t that easy for me. As each month went by I secretly hoped that I would be late and a miracle would happen, but nothing. I had spent my childhood knowing I would be a mother. I babysat, loved and cared for so many children. I started babysitting at 11 and could not get enough. The children gave me such joy and if I could love so many other people’s children that much then I knew there was no way I could live life without being a mother. While I still ached for that child we had lost I made an appointment in May of 2009 with a doctor at the fertility clinic here in town. We were so nervous that we were going to be told that there was no hope and then after running a few tests she said, our fist course of action is to put you on clomid and if there is no luck after 3 cycles we will re-evaluate. June came and we were shocked when we were given the amazing news of a positive pregnancy test. FINALLY, we were on the home stretch. Due March 10th, 2010.

The clinic scheduled our first appointment for August of that summer and so we went through the 4th of July with such a positive outlook. Dreaming of this amazing thing growing inside of me.  The first sign of sadness came when I looked at the calendar and realized that my 6 week appointment should be in July, not August. When I called the clinic they quickly apologized and got me in for July.

I was so nervous that I can’t even explain. We were called back, they had me get ready and then I laid there, and laid there waiting for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound. She finally came in and in a sort of confident manor she started the ultrasound. She looked, and looked and pointed at the screen with her assistant and it all went white from there. I remember her grabbing my leg in a somewhat caring manor and saying it looks like it is an ectopic, I’m sorry. I can still feel the tears falling to the mat of the table. I don’t remember the instructions from there other than they were giving me a small dose of cemo in hopes the embryo will absorb back into my body. If not, then I’d need to have surgery. Her next comment rings in my head like nothing else.

We will just have to move to IVF from here. I remember wanting to scream at her but not being able to talk. How could she be so cold?

I spent the next week in bed, not wanting to take calls. Ethan was incredible letting everyone know and filter for me. I felt numb, how could this be happening? I couldn’t watch TV, baby comments were everywhere and I didn’t dare leave the house since I’d see pregnant women everywhere, and then to top it off I had to go back to work – at a childcare center.

Now we had one more would have anniversary to make it through each year, a little less hope of being parents, and great sadness in our hearts.

Where to go from here?