Hope restored

As I sit in her room rocking her to sleep I am soaking it all in and thinking back to all that it took to get there. She has changed our lives so much in the 5 short months that she’s been with us. Tears stream down as I think of all those who are still hoping for this bliss.

There were so many times that I felt my hope start to slip as we went through the process of infertility and adoption. Keeping the hope is such a struggle at times especially when emotions are running high. One moment in particular stands out when we were going through IVF.

We were waiting after the doctor had fertilized the eggs and so hopeful that they would grow. We had already had some hope slip away when we only had 6 eggs to fertilize, and then we got the call that only 2 were growing well and they were going to give it one more day. With that phone call all of my hope was gone. If these two eggs didn’t keep growing we weren’t going to be able to do the implantation.

Looking back today I realize it happened so that I could have this darling girl in my arms today with such an appreciation for her life and the people who chose us to be her parents. So that I could cherish each moment with her and find the thrill in every smile, change and noise she makes.

Today I have hope again. Hope that others can see through their challenges and one day look back with an understanding of the process and an appreciation for where they are.

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The Today Show – Infertility Financing

A new trend in the world of infertility. I’m unsure how I feel about this one. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Infertility Financing

At the end when the Dr. is talking about no necessarily pushing a baby out of your womb but just parenting was so profound because that is exactly how I feel.

A lot

I’ve been trying to focus on all aspects of my life lately. Work, the house, relationships, photography, and adoption. For such a long time I feel like I put such a focus on all of the adoption stuff that I really lost a lot of myself. Our lives have surrounded trying to start a family for so many years and I have thrown my heart and soul into it but I feel this unbelievable push. Nothing is going very smoothly, not that it is bad, just not very smooth.

We have had several people contact us, 4 at one time at one point, and so it feels good to know that our information is out there but we aren’t hearing back and it seems like one is a scam. I keep trying to remind myself that good things come to those who wait but how long do we wait? Im tired, and long for “the call”.

As Easter approaches I hope for the best and pray that the next holiday will be our first as parents.

What if?

I can’t help but play the “what if” game in my head at times. So I found myself emotional as I realized that our precious Metro is now 14. It came out of no where, which is pretty common with those crazy emotions but it was a bit shocking. I found myself wondering “what if” the ectopic pregnancy had gone full term. Well, we would have a 2 year old as of March 10th.

Today I find great comfort in the words of Helen Keller.
When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

As I look back I recognize one of those moments. We have been waiting over 5 years to become parents. The majority of our marriage has had the dark cloud of infertility. We have had this sadness over us and spent so much time fighting my body to become pregnant and carry a baby. This past year we turned our backs to that door and found a new one – adoption. While we are facing new challenges, like patience during this wait we feel good about the direction we are headed.

Bethenny Ever After – Miscarriage

Bethenny Frankel talks about miscarriage on the morning show

Bethenny Frankel shared about her miscarriage this morning and I was so pleased with how she put it. She talks about her age and that her window is closing but what struck me is her feelings of appreciation for having her daughter and being able to mother at least one child. For me this was so heartfelt. As a woman 13 years her junior and unable to concieve on child and experiencing several losses this was so nice to hear someone understand and appreciate what she has but also realize the wave of emotion that comes with miscarriage.

I hope the best for her and pray that she doesn’t have the similar struggles in the future.

God Speed

And this marks 3!

I’ll never forget the words, “I’m sorry, it didn’t work” and I will forever have the shadows of my past hurts being unable to conceive but I know that those little souls, where ever they may be, are safe and loved and just weren’t ready yet. I find myself oddly at peace with where we have been and where we are going. The anger is no more and I often find myself thinking that even though my body let me down I know greatness is just around the corner. So today as the one year anniversary of IVF failing comes to a close I think positively and confidently say…the best is yet to come.

Is it me?

So as I sit here awaiting another hockey game I have so much running through my head. I used to have friends who would join me for things like this but today and recently, I sit alone. I don’t often feel alone but lately it seems like I am a last thought to some of my good friends. It seems like it is coming back to, you don’t have kids. Stuff like oh I can’t do that because of the kids, only to find out later that they aren’t doing anything with the kids in the first place.

Who knows, maybe it’s just me, at this stage in my life, time will tell I suppose.

Seeing Red

Ugh, another month of cramps, and bloating and back aches. Today it begins, yuck!

But I feel so grateful that it shows up out of the blue these days. There was a time not too long ago when my months were filled with marking everything on the calendar, day 1 and then checking temps and using ovulation predictor tests. Well, that’s a huge money saver, it is so crazy how much those things cost, but mainly it is incredible the amount of stress that has been lifted off.

At times I felt like I was going crazy. The wishing and hoping that my period will be late. Thinking I feel PMS coming on but hoping it’s something else, my period can’t be coming again. We would work around the 2 days that the predictor says I’ll be ovulating and then each month when my period would show up once again, tears would flow. It was awful. From hope to depression with one trip to the restroom. And how to pick up and try again the next month?

My period became a rest. 5 days of knowing that I am definitely not pregnant but knowing that it’s about the start all over again. Watching the calendar, using the tests, and wishing and hoping.  I felt in such a fragile state all of the time and that is no more. With adoption I have said goodbye to those days. My intimate relationship with Ethan is back on track – its all about fun, not work. I am now more in control and filled with a different kind of wishing and hoping.

 

Our first loss

January 2007, our New Year’s resolution was to start a family. Month after month we tried. Soooo much fun at first and then our birthdays arrived in June, and then the 4th of July, and then Fall crept up on us and before we knew it we were celebrating Christmas without a pregnancy. We had read books and followed the “rules” and found ourselves right in the same spot a year later. Then, out of the blue in February of 2008 I took a test and it came up POSITIVE! That happiness is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. With that little plus sign my life had all of a sudden changed completely. I was going to be a mother, my dream was coming true. We were so thrilled that we told close friends and family. Sadly on February 14th I miscarried, happy Valentine’s Day to us. We were devastated. I was angry and hurt and felt like my life was all messed up. Ethan was amazing. He supported me as we dealt with our grief. We struggled the most with what other people said though.  We got a lot of “just try again” and all the talk about all the other people getting pregnant. While it was frustrating and hurtful at times to hear comments the most challenging for me was those close to us. I just wanted to scream at them to “shut the hell up.” There were so many times when things were said and I had to keep reminding myself it isn’t about me, it’s their ignorance. I felt so very disrespected at times though.  I would have been due October 27th, 2008, a date that is ingrained in my mind forever, and on that day I was in the store. It just so happened that I walked past the baby section and found myself picking up a newborn outfit. I took it home and wrote a note to my baby I never met. A way of coping with the day. The rest of 2008 came and went and we weren’t ready to start trying again. That was very hard for our families and friends to understand. At one point I was told to “just get over it, you’ll get pregnant again.” Those words will echo in the back of my mind forever as it was not only extremely hurtful there was no sensitivity and understanding. We couldn’t just get over this loss. It was this amazing being that we loved more than anything. A little peanut made from a very special love and just as fast as “she” had come into our lives she had left. This really challenged my relationships and made me look at my life in a way that I hadn’t before. I had to figure out where to go from here. While I truly enjoyed the babies around me I yearned to become a mom (still do) and so in May of 2009, shaking, we were in the only infertility clinic here in Boise…

….we were ready to try again.