Taking Advantage – gotta get it off my chest!

I got a random message on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/HannahandEthanadoption) yesterday from the Adoption Center in Utah that was on Birthmom’s (A show on TLC). The message read about them having 8 birthmoms and needing adoptive families. He left me a phone number and said please call.

So, on my lunch break I called. As the phone rang I was somewhat hopeful that they would be a great place since they are only a state away but felt this feeling of uncertainty.

As I spoke with him he explained their set up and then he jumped to the fees. Without taking a breath he said our fees are 33-55 THOUSAND!!! Then as his run on sentence continued he said “of course that doesn’t include medical and your fee that you pay directly to the marketing firm.” He then explained that the fees vary depending on the length of their stay, includes money for them to buy groceries each week, go out to the show (isn’t that old speak for the movies?) and then sending money with them as they go home so they don’t have to work for a few months after the adoption.

Okay, so I was soaking this all in and I was okay with it. Then I asked about the cost of the marketing $9800!!!! yes, you read right. I couldn’t believe it.

So, I definitely knew this wasn’t the place for us but he was still explaining things and then he put it over the top. He was telling me that there is a woman who is due in early September, a girl. As he told me that this baby is black and if we sign up for ______, I missed that part we will get a discount and the charge will only be $28,000 (plus medical and marketing, etc.) Disregard the money I was SHOCKED at the idea that a baby could be “discounted”. I could not believe the way he was speaking to me.

I asked about the show Birthmom’s and he said yes, they were the agency from the show. I then asked about them living there and said not most agencies have that situation. Once I heard the next statistical sentence I had to work extremely hard not to hang up.

I was told that they bring them to Utah to live at the agency because there is a better chance they will place if not in their home state. He then goes on to explain the stats something like 35% more than if they stay home place their infants for adoption. All I could think was COERCION.

I just felt like whatever was happening down there was morally wrong. How could I be okay with adopting a baby from a place that felt that way? My hope is that this isn’t the standard but just this person but in my heart I just don’t feel like it is.

It was hard to bring up A New Beginning – a wonderful local agency here in Boise that truly cares for their birthmoms and adoptive parents. When I said they charge only 10,000 he came back with that if a birthmom doesn’t place then we can apply the 30-50 K to another adoption. I couldn’t resist asking if it meant that the adoption has to go through them and he said yes. A New Beginning (http://www.adoptanewbeginning.org/) has never, EVER given me that feeling and hands down I would recommend them to anyone.

We clearly cannot afford such a large sum for an adoption but I just would not feel right about adopting from them. I’m sure there are others who feel differently but I just felt like there was racism and a sense of selling in his voice and I am not okay with that.

So, I let him know that I have some concerns after watching the show and so I don’t think we will be using their agency. Before saying goodbye he made sure I was aware that other agencies would like to be in their position with too many birthmom’s and not enough families.

My heart breaks to see that this isn’t about helping expectant mothers through to make the decision that is right for them and their baby, I just don’t think that is what adoption is all about and even though my wait may be longer than others, I am okay with the decision we made to pass on this opportunity and wait because we know that ~ Our Day Will Come ~

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OTH

Back in 2003 when Ethan and I sat down to watch the show we never expected it to define so much of our lives. Today we finally sat down to watch the final episode I had been deliberately putting off for almost a month as I knew the tears would be flowing. This show has been somewhat of a soundtrack to our 20’s and it draws to an end, so do our 20’s.

As I look back at we started watching the basic drama it grew into somewhat of a comfort through it all. It gave us laughter and helped me shed tears as I was trying on make up for our wedding. The characters were there as I grew from a teenager into a woman. They helped me define my style a bit, opened my eyes to a bunch of music I never would have listened to and most of all their words gave meaning, direction and comfort when I needed it most. The feelings of joy as Payton met Lucas at the airport. The shock of the limo going off the bridge. The sadness of Brooke yearning to be a mother, but not being able to. All moments in these character’s lives but carefully placed words and songs that related to our lives.

So as I continue to dream of the future I will have I hold onto their words of wisdom and say “thank you” as your words will continue to carry me through while I hope for my wish…motherhood.

 

A lot

I’ve been trying to focus on all aspects of my life lately. Work, the house, relationships, photography, and adoption. For such a long time I feel like I put such a focus on all of the adoption stuff that I really lost a lot of myself. Our lives have surrounded trying to start a family for so many years and I have thrown my heart and soul into it but I feel this unbelievable push. Nothing is going very smoothly, not that it is bad, just not very smooth.

We have had several people contact us, 4 at one time at one point, and so it feels good to know that our information is out there but we aren’t hearing back and it seems like one is a scam. I keep trying to remind myself that good things come to those who wait but how long do we wait? Im tired, and long for “the call”.

As Easter approaches I hope for the best and pray that the next holiday will be our first as parents.

Surrounded by Adoption

My community of those who have been touched by adoption has grown by infinite numbers over the past few months. All of the online communities and when I say “we are hoping to adopt” it seems like the person knows someone, or hopes to adopt too or has adopted, or was adopted. It is amazing to me how many people out there have adoption, in some form in their lives.

As we wait patiently, at this moment anyway, I find myself so excited to hear of other peoples situations. Recently I saw a post on one of the groups from a woman who is pregnant and was hoping to find a lesbian adoptive couple. She gave a general reason as she wanted someone who is open and accepting. While I know that there are others out there who too are open and accepting this was the expectant mother’s preference and I think that should be respected. I found myself somewhat saddened by the responses she got. Most were comments like “good luck, but remember there are a lot of us out her who will be accepting,” you get the gist. I felt bad for this expectant mother because I feel she has every right to want what she wants and so I found myself thinking of a friend I had met online who fit the expectant mother’s wishes. I wasn’t sure they would hit it off but why not try, right? I nervously wrote to this friend and gave her the link to the page. She contacted her and to my overwhelming delight they matched! A wave of excitement rushed over me for her when she messaged to say they had been chosen. It was so incredible to have been a part of that and I felt privileged to have her share that with me.

So now I wonder, am I meant to work with adoptions in some way? Do I have a new calling? Who knows where life will lead me but I do know that I am headed in the right direction.

Is it me?

So as I sit here awaiting another hockey game I have so much running through my head. I used to have friends who would join me for things like this but today and recently, I sit alone. I don’t often feel alone but lately it seems like I am a last thought to some of my good friends. It seems like it is coming back to, you don’t have kids. Stuff like oh I can’t do that because of the kids, only to find out later that they aren’t doing anything with the kids in the first place.

Who knows, maybe it’s just me, at this stage in my life, time will tell I suppose.

I Choose!

I choose to be kind

I choose to stand up for what I believe in

I choose to say what I want and need

I choose to respect others and their opinions

I choose to smile at strangers

I choose to hold my head up high

I choose not to be a victim of infertility

I choose to create my own path

I choose to follow my dreams

I choose to give back whenever I can

I choose to make the world a better place for those around me

I choose to be a good friend

I choose to be a good wife

I choose to be a good mother one day

I choose to be a good woman

I choose to forgive those who hurt me

I choose to be grateful for all I have

I choose to count the stars

I choose to appreciate the little things

I choose to kiss my husband passionately in public

I choose to do my best

I choose to compromise, when needed 🙂

I choose to laugh everyday

I choose to love fully

I choose, I choose, I CHOOSE!

I make no apologies for who I am. I can be loud, opinionated, outspoken, kind, emotional and all over the place but I have to believe that in the midst of it all there is greatness, hope and love. This Christmas I CHOOSE to not feel sorry for myself but to be happy for what I have, look forward to what will be and remind myself to reflect on all that I have made it through. The best is on the way, I can feel it!

Merry Christmas!

 

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