OTH

Back in 2003 when Ethan and I sat down to watch the show we never expected it to define so much of our lives. Today we finally sat down to watch the final episode I had been deliberately putting off for almost a month as I knew the tears would be flowing. This show has been somewhat of a soundtrack to our 20’s and it draws to an end, so do our 20’s.

As I look back at we started watching the basic drama it grew into somewhat of a comfort through it all. It gave us laughter and helped me shed tears as I was trying on make up for our wedding. The characters were there as I grew from a teenager into a woman. They helped me define my style a bit, opened my eyes to a bunch of music I never would have listened to and most of all their words gave meaning, direction and comfort when I needed it most. The feelings of joy as Payton met Lucas at the airport. The shock of the limo going off the bridge. The sadness of Brooke yearning to be a mother, but not being able to. All moments in these character’s lives but carefully placed words and songs that related to our lives.

So as I continue to dream of the future I will have I hold onto their words of wisdom and say “thank you” as your words will continue to carry me through while I hope for my wish…motherhood.

 

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Is it me?

So as I sit here awaiting another hockey game I have so much running through my head. I used to have friends who would join me for things like this but today and recently, I sit alone. I don’t often feel alone but lately it seems like I am a last thought to some of my good friends. It seems like it is coming back to, you don’t have kids. Stuff like oh I can’t do that because of the kids, only to find out later that they aren’t doing anything with the kids in the first place.

Who knows, maybe it’s just me, at this stage in my life, time will tell I suppose.

Seeing Red

Ugh, another month of cramps, and bloating and back aches. Today it begins, yuck!

But I feel so grateful that it shows up out of the blue these days. There was a time not too long ago when my months were filled with marking everything on the calendar, day 1 and then checking temps and using ovulation predictor tests. Well, that’s a huge money saver, it is so crazy how much those things cost, but mainly it is incredible the amount of stress that has been lifted off.

At times I felt like I was going crazy. The wishing and hoping that my period will be late. Thinking I feel PMS coming on but hoping it’s something else, my period can’t be coming again. We would work around the 2 days that the predictor says I’ll be ovulating and then each month when my period would show up once again, tears would flow. It was awful. From hope to depression with one trip to the restroom. And how to pick up and try again the next month?

My period became a rest. 5 days of knowing that I am definitely not pregnant but knowing that it’s about the start all over again. Watching the calendar, using the tests, and wishing and hoping.  I felt in such a fragile state all of the time and that is no more. With adoption I have said goodbye to those days. My intimate relationship with Ethan is back on track – its all about fun, not work. I am now more in control and filled with a different kind of wishing and hoping.

 

Our first loss

January 2007, our New Year’s resolution was to start a family. Month after month we tried. Soooo much fun at first and then our birthdays arrived in June, and then the 4th of July, and then Fall crept up on us and before we knew it we were celebrating Christmas without a pregnancy. We had read books and followed the “rules” and found ourselves right in the same spot a year later. Then, out of the blue in February of 2008 I took a test and it came up POSITIVE! That happiness is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. With that little plus sign my life had all of a sudden changed completely. I was going to be a mother, my dream was coming true. We were so thrilled that we told close friends and family. Sadly on February 14th I miscarried, happy Valentine’s Day to us. We were devastated. I was angry and hurt and felt like my life was all messed up. Ethan was amazing. He supported me as we dealt with our grief. We struggled the most with what other people said though.  We got a lot of “just try again” and all the talk about all the other people getting pregnant. While it was frustrating and hurtful at times to hear comments the most challenging for me was those close to us. I just wanted to scream at them to “shut the hell up.” There were so many times when things were said and I had to keep reminding myself it isn’t about me, it’s their ignorance. I felt so very disrespected at times though.  I would have been due October 27th, 2008, a date that is ingrained in my mind forever, and on that day I was in the store. It just so happened that I walked past the baby section and found myself picking up a newborn outfit. I took it home and wrote a note to my baby I never met. A way of coping with the day. The rest of 2008 came and went and we weren’t ready to start trying again. That was very hard for our families and friends to understand. At one point I was told to “just get over it, you’ll get pregnant again.” Those words will echo in the back of my mind forever as it was not only extremely hurtful there was no sensitivity and understanding. We couldn’t just get over this loss. It was this amazing being that we loved more than anything. A little peanut made from a very special love and just as fast as “she” had come into our lives she had left. This really challenged my relationships and made me look at my life in a way that I hadn’t before. I had to figure out where to go from here. While I truly enjoyed the babies around me I yearned to become a mom (still do) and so in May of 2009, shaking, we were in the only infertility clinic here in Boise…

….we were ready to try again.