Today I found myself reading an article about the idea that stronger regulations should be for IVF. I found myself feeling like if that is the case, if they are worried about the cost of multiple births and they want to limit each IVF transfer to 1 embryo then there needs to be a change in the cost for IVF. I felt some discrimination because unless we were mislead, our understanding was that more embryos gives us a better chance of fertilization.

From what I gathered in this article they want to take that away which in my brain says they are upping the cost of IVF. We only had 2 viable embryos to be implanted and unfortunately they didn’t implant for whatever reason. From what I’ve read since it is best to plan on 3 rounds before a live birth so, if most are implanting 3 embryos each time this change would give them 1/3 the chance.

So I find myself asking, will the cost then reflect that? Will insurance start covering it?

I often find myself struggling with the thought of insurance. They’ll cover erectile dysfunction medications (I understand not all policies will) but they won’t cover my inability to conceive? I am a young woman who started trying to conceive at age 23. My issue is clear, my tubes are damaged leaving me with IVF as my only option for becoming pregnant. So, a man’s sex life is more important than my disease? Just over a year ago I had to have my right fallopian tube removed because it was so damaged. It had twisted and had fluid built up so badly that in the end the ovary is pretty much non-functioning. The change has been incredible but I’ll save that for another day. My point is that my insurance paid for the hospital but wouldn’t for the doctor as he was a specialist, yet the only one in my area to perform the procedure. A bit messed up, huh?

What it comes down to for me is that if there is a change and only one embryo is allowed to be implanted then there must be a change in the cost as well. Which the artless touches on. I know that us infertile people are viewed as somewhat fragile and we are at times but this article makes me wonder if having two, three, four, etc children who spend time in the NICU is better or if only having one, or none, is better? It is definitely a discussion to be had, but I’m not sure this one change can be made, it may need to be a string of things.

Just Be Grateful?

I am torturing  myself by reading about infertility and adoption. I go round and round in my head about how everyone must be given the right to have their own opinion but then I also feel like these comments and articles are somewhat of an attack. An attack on me and my kind (the infertile ones). Here we are longing of a child. I liken it to a wannabe actress who longs to be on stage, craves it. Well, I too crave to be in the spotlight, but of a different kind. I long to have a little one who comes to me when they are hurting, who depends on me for love, support and guidance, and who calls me Mom.

The other day I read someone who feels that adoption is wrong and children should never be severed from their “real” family so if we (those of us infertile again) really want to love a child we will accept guardianship and adoption will become illegal. My immediate reaction is HOW DARE YOU! How dare you say that we should love, care for and give our lives to a child and live in fear that you will come along any day and take the child back. This arrogance that we should just be grateful that anyone would give us a part of a child’s life since we cannot have one of our own.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be more that grateful to whomever chooses us to parent the child that she brings into this world. But I don’t believe that my fear would be good for a child. I don’t believe that I should give up my dreams of being a mother and accept whatever is given to me. I will love any child who comes into my home with all of my heart but I cannot believe that it is good for him or her to be uprooted at any time because that is what the birth mother wants.

Growing up I always new I’d be a mother, to many children I always felt. With the extra cost that may not be the case anymore but I do feel that adoption is better for the child in the end. Long term stability is much better than uncertainty I believe.

Any age?

So I found myself up late last night browsing the web when I should have been organizing the office, of course. I ended up at the mentor program on the Idaho health and welfare website. Well, that lead me to Wednesday’s child. I found myself looking at the Photo listings, I am not sure I like that word, but that’s what they call them. And found a 7 year old girl. She’s stunning, there was something about her that drew me in. After reading her profile I don’t think we are right for her as we have pets and a few other things but every now and again I find myself glancing at their faces and my heart breaking for them.

I had closed out the website and then thought, maybe I should bookmark that page so I did a quick google search and came to a whole different page. So I started looking and there he was. A 9 year old boy who loves hockey, plays and tap dance. He loves to be read to and so even though Ethan and I had decided that an infant was the direction we wanted to go first of all, we didn’t rule out an older child if it was the right fit. For the first time I found myself truly wondering, is this the right fit?

I sprung it on Ethan, sorry babe, and he took some time to think about it and to my surprise, he wants to contact them and see where it leads. Are we crazy to be considering this completely new direction?


What a difference a year makes

One year ago I was on drugs, trying IVF. I had surgery to remove my right fallopian tube in November and we started our round of drugs right around Christmas. We were so hopeful and excited. Just maybe, just maybe in a few weeks we would be pregnant.

It’s amazing how all that hope and trust and here we are a year later… hoping to adopt.

Hoping for motherhood – another heartbreak

We are a few weeks into the new year and I find myself wanting to stay positive but struggling a bit. Each year as the New Year’s approaches and I like everyone else has resolutions. While most of my family and friends are hoping for the will to eat better, or be more financially responsible. I hope for motherhood.  January 1st marked the 5 year anniversary of when we started trying to conceive. All that time ago I never thought we’d would be here today, still hoping to become parents. I find myself hoping to not reach the anniversary of a would be birthday again.  I hope for this year to be the year that I become a mother.

After our miscarriage it took us awhile to heal. Our family and friends pushed for us to “try again” and they really didn’t understand why we weren’t doing anything about the situation. Sure you get hurt but you try again. It wasn’t that easy for me. As each month went by I secretly hoped that I would be late and a miracle would happen, but nothing. I had spent my childhood knowing I would be a mother. I babysat, loved and cared for so many children. I started babysitting at 11 and could not get enough. The children gave me such joy and if I could love so many other people’s children that much then I knew there was no way I could live life without being a mother. While I still ached for that child we had lost I made an appointment in May of 2009 with a doctor at the fertility clinic here in town. We were so nervous that we were going to be told that there was no hope and then after running a few tests she said, our fist course of action is to put you on clomid and if there is no luck after 3 cycles we will re-evaluate. June came and we were shocked when we were given the amazing news of a positive pregnancy test. FINALLY, we were on the home stretch. Due March 10th, 2010.

The clinic scheduled our first appointment for August of that summer and so we went through the 4th of July with such a positive outlook. Dreaming of this amazing thing growing inside of me.  The first sign of sadness came when I looked at the calendar and realized that my 6 week appointment should be in July, not August. When I called the clinic they quickly apologized and got me in for July.

I was so nervous that I can’t even explain. We were called back, they had me get ready and then I laid there, and laid there waiting for the doctor to come in and do the ultrasound. She finally came in and in a sort of confident manor she started the ultrasound. She looked, and looked and pointed at the screen with her assistant and it all went white from there. I remember her grabbing my leg in a somewhat caring manor and saying it looks like it is an ectopic, I’m sorry. I can still feel the tears falling to the mat of the table. I don’t remember the instructions from there other than they were giving me a small dose of cemo in hopes the embryo will absorb back into my body. If not, then I’d need to have surgery. Her next comment rings in my head like nothing else.

We will just have to move to IVF from here. I remember wanting to scream at her but not being able to talk. How could she be so cold?

I spent the next week in bed, not wanting to take calls. Ethan was incredible letting everyone know and filter for me. I felt numb, how could this be happening? I couldn’t watch TV, baby comments were everywhere and I didn’t dare leave the house since I’d see pregnant women everywhere, and then to top it off I had to go back to work – at a childcare center.

Now we had one more would have anniversary to make it through each year, a little less hope of being parents, and great sadness in our hearts.

Where to go from here?

13 Years Later

I remember walking down the hall after first period. Ethan was abnormally quiet and as we wound our way through everyone rushing to class. We didn’t even make it half way down the hall before he stopped me and asked “will you be my girlfriend” in the most awkward and amazingly sweet way.  He was super nervous because just a month an a half earlier I had said “no” when he asked. With a change of heart and a growing crush I said “yes.” Everyone else went quiet and we wandered the rest of the hall together smiling.

That was the beginning of what grew to puppy love, lust and true love. Here we are 13 years later, married and trying to start a family. When I think of all that we have made it through in our young years it’s somewhat of a miracle. We have truly grown together as we’ve faced our challenges through the years.

Infertility taking up 5 of the 13. It is truly strange to think of it in that sense. 5 of our 13 years together, more than 1/3 of our relationship we have been facing becoming parents and failed.

I am proud to say that we are going strong. We have an amazing relationship. We rarely fight, we discuss everything and respect one another. We are very happy together. He still makes me feel like a 16 year old, laughing until tears stream down our faces. We have so much fun together and we are blessed that we can actually say we are still in love after 13 years. Not many are able to grow together when they meet so young.

We have hope for the future and look forward to 50+ more years.

I love you Ethan Paul

A Time for Family

This week a dear friend’s sister lost her battle with cancer. Very sadly it was a very long battle and she was very young, almost 30.

My heart breaks for the family and I am so sad that there is nothing I can do but listen. This premature loss makes me reflect on the life that I have and even though she was on this earth such a short time she had a major affect on so many of us and we are so grateful to have her in our lives.

We are so blessed