Generalizations

I am struggling with the generalizations that many people throw around whether it be fore adoption or infertility. When we were trying IVF we were constantly being told that it is irresponsible to implant more that ___ eggs from people out on the internet, which fine, have your opinion but I am going to discuss with my doctor and make the decision that is right for me.

And now tonight I was joining a group for closed adoptions. Well, that is what we have and there were a few people on the facebook post who commented that “adoptive parents who make that decision” and that it is never in the best interest of the child and that it isn’t to be taken lightly as we will be answering to our children one day. Well, my point is that stop generalizing and stop judging because each situation is different. I can’t say that ALL closed adoptions are in the best interest of the child and I can’t say that ALL open ones are. I am not in their shoes and I just can’t judge.

I feel like these people make blanket statements and don’t realize that my situation may not be what I expected originally but it is what is right for us because we are different than everyone else.

I know I will answer to her one day and I know that I will teach her to be confident and understanding of the decisions we and her birth parents made. Because we all love her and being a parent is about making those hard decisions.

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Mom and Dad

It has been a long time and so much has happened in the past few months. We became parents. It is more amazing that I imagined and we are adjusting to our new lives with this incredible little being in our home. Image

We could not be more blessed.

Taking Advantage – gotta get it off my chest!

I got a random message on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/HannahandEthanadoption) yesterday from the Adoption Center in Utah that was on Birthmom’s (A show on TLC). The message read about them having 8 birthmoms and needing adoptive families. He left me a phone number and said please call.

So, on my lunch break I called. As the phone rang I was somewhat hopeful that they would be a great place since they are only a state away but felt this feeling of uncertainty.

As I spoke with him he explained their set up and then he jumped to the fees. Without taking a breath he said our fees are 33-55 THOUSAND!!! Then as his run on sentence continued he said “of course that doesn’t include medical and your fee that you pay directly to the marketing firm.” He then explained that the fees vary depending on the length of their stay, includes money for them to buy groceries each week, go out to the show (isn’t that old speak for the movies?) and then sending money with them as they go home so they don’t have to work for a few months after the adoption.

Okay, so I was soaking this all in and I was okay with it. Then I asked about the cost of the marketing $9800!!!! yes, you read right. I couldn’t believe it.

So, I definitely knew this wasn’t the place for us but he was still explaining things and then he put it over the top. He was telling me that there is a woman who is due in early September, a girl. As he told me that this baby is black and if we sign up for ______, I missed that part we will get a discount and the charge will only be $28,000 (plus medical and marketing, etc.) Disregard the money I was SHOCKED at the idea that a baby could be “discounted”. I could not believe the way he was speaking to me.

I asked about the show Birthmom’s and he said yes, they were the agency from the show. I then asked about them living there and said not most agencies have that situation. Once I heard the next statistical sentence I had to work extremely hard not to hang up.

I was told that they bring them to Utah to live at the agency because there is a better chance they will place if not in their home state. He then goes on to explain the stats something like 35% more than if they stay home place their infants for adoption. All I could think was COERCION.

I just felt like whatever was happening down there was morally wrong. How could I be okay with adopting a baby from a place that felt that way? My hope is that this isn’t the standard but just this person but in my heart I just don’t feel like it is.

It was hard to bring up A New Beginning – a wonderful local agency here in Boise that truly cares for their birthmoms and adoptive parents. When I said they charge only 10,000 he came back with that if a birthmom doesn’t place then we can apply the 30-50 K to another adoption. I couldn’t resist asking if it meant that the adoption has to go through them and he said yes. A New Beginning (http://www.adoptanewbeginning.org/) has never, EVER given me that feeling and hands down I would recommend them to anyone.

We clearly cannot afford such a large sum for an adoption but I just would not feel right about adopting from them. I’m sure there are others who feel differently but I just felt like there was racism and a sense of selling in his voice and I am not okay with that.

So, I let him know that I have some concerns after watching the show and so I don’t think we will be using their agency. Before saying goodbye he made sure I was aware that other agencies would like to be in their position with too many birthmom’s and not enough families.

My heart breaks to see that this isn’t about helping expectant mothers through to make the decision that is right for them and their baby, I just don’t think that is what adoption is all about and even though my wait may be longer than others, I am okay with the decision we made to pass on this opportunity and wait because we know that ~ Our Day Will Come ~

OTH

Back in 2003 when Ethan and I sat down to watch the show we never expected it to define so much of our lives. Today we finally sat down to watch the final episode I had been deliberately putting off for almost a month as I knew the tears would be flowing. This show has been somewhat of a soundtrack to our 20’s and it draws to an end, so do our 20’s.

As I look back at we started watching the basic drama it grew into somewhat of a comfort through it all. It gave us laughter and helped me shed tears as I was trying on make up for our wedding. The characters were there as I grew from a teenager into a woman. They helped me define my style a bit, opened my eyes to a bunch of music I never would have listened to and most of all their words gave meaning, direction and comfort when I needed it most. The feelings of joy as Payton met Lucas at the airport. The shock of the limo going off the bridge. The sadness of Brooke yearning to be a mother, but not being able to. All moments in these character’s lives but carefully placed words and songs that related to our lives.

So as I continue to dream of the future I will have I hold onto their words of wisdom and say “thank you” as your words will continue to carry me through while I hope for my wish…motherhood.

 

16 and Pregnant

Today has been a day with teenage pregnancy all over the place. This morning the radio had a discussion about this teen who is 15 and her mother is insisting that she keep the baby but the father’s mother would like to sign over his rights so they were trying to figure out if it is possible for him not to be a part of the babies life because they would like to give the baby up for adoption. My heart broke for this girl who is being pushed to keep the baby at 16. From working at a childcare center for teen parents during high school I saw several teens keep the baby expecting help from their parents but then once the baby arrives the parents expect the teen to raise the baby. I am sad for her, but I also know that if this teen want to really do this, she can. It will be hard, but she can. It sounds to me that she hasn’t learned about the options in open adoption and I hope that she does all the research she can to make a fully informed decision and find support for whatever direction she may want to go.

Then this evening I’ve been watching 16 and Pregnant. I had a hard time watching her try to add up the costs of things she’ll need. She kept saying she’d need a bassinet and a crib and then forgot the car seat. It was such an obvious sign of how much she has to learn. I’m sure she can learn it but i just felt like I wanted to sit down with her and say…”you don’t need a bassinet because you’ll have a crib and a car seat is very important.” I hope she does okay but I just felt like she needed guidance and it was sad she didn’t have it, or wouldn’t take it.

Teens having babies is a fact of our society today, but what can we do to help them make informed, educated and loving decisions for them and their unborn child? I often find myself wondering what the school does to help them learn about all of the options, or where they go of the school doesn’t have anything to offer? The more I learn about open adoption, the more I learn how little others know.

A lot

I’ve been trying to focus on all aspects of my life lately. Work, the house, relationships, photography, and adoption. For such a long time I feel like I put such a focus on all of the adoption stuff that I really lost a lot of myself. Our lives have surrounded trying to start a family for so many years and I have thrown my heart and soul into it but I feel this unbelievable push. Nothing is going very smoothly, not that it is bad, just not very smooth.

We have had several people contact us, 4 at one time at one point, and so it feels good to know that our information is out there but we aren’t hearing back and it seems like one is a scam. I keep trying to remind myself that good things come to those who wait but how long do we wait? Im tired, and long for “the call”.

As Easter approaches I hope for the best and pray that the next holiday will be our first as parents.