What if?

I can’t help but play the “what if” game in my head at times. So I found myself emotional as I realized that our precious Metro is now 14. It came out of no where, which is pretty common with those crazy emotions but it was a bit shocking. I found myself wondering “what if” the ectopic pregnancy had gone full term. Well, we would have a 2 year old as of March 10th.

Today I find great comfort in the words of Helen Keller.
When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

As I look back I recognize one of those moments. We have been waiting over 5 years to become parents. The majority of our marriage has had the dark cloud of infertility. We have had this sadness over us and spent so much time fighting my body to become pregnant and carry a baby. This past year we turned our backs to that door and found a new one – adoption. While we are facing new challenges, like patience during this wait we feel good about the direction we are headed.


Bethenny Ever After – Miscarriage

Bethenny Frankel talks about miscarriage on the morning show

Bethenny Frankel shared about her miscarriage this morning and I was so pleased with how she put it. She talks about her age and that her window is closing but what struck me is her feelings of appreciation for having her daughter and being able to mother at least one child. For me this was so heartfelt. As a woman 13 years her junior and unable to concieve on child and experiencing several losses this was so nice to hear someone understand and appreciate what she has but also realize the wave of emotion that comes with miscarriage.

I hope the best for her and pray that she doesn’t have the similar struggles in the future.


Today I found myself reading an article about the idea that stronger regulations should be for IVF. I found myself feeling like if that is the case, if they are worried about the cost of multiple births and they want to limit each IVF transfer to 1 embryo then there needs to be a change in the cost for IVF. I felt some discrimination because unless we were mislead, our understanding was that more embryos gives us a better chance of fertilization.

From what I gathered in this article they want to take that away which in my brain says they are upping the cost of IVF. We only had 2 viable embryos to be implanted and unfortunately they didn’t implant for whatever reason. From what I’ve read since it is best to plan on 3 rounds before a live birth so, if most are implanting 3 embryos each time this change would give them 1/3 the chance.

So I find myself asking, will the cost then reflect that? Will insurance start covering it?

I often find myself struggling with the thought of insurance. They’ll cover erectile dysfunction medications (I understand not all policies will) but they won’t cover my inability to conceive? I am a young woman who started trying to conceive at age 23. My issue is clear, my tubes are damaged leaving me with IVF as my only option for becoming pregnant. So, a man’s sex life is more important than my disease? Just over a year ago I had to have my right fallopian tube removed because it was so damaged. It had twisted and had fluid built up so badly that in the end the ovary is pretty much non-functioning. The change has been incredible but I’ll save that for another day. My point is that my insurance paid for the hospital but wouldn’t for the doctor as he was a specialist, yet the only one in my area to perform the procedure. A bit messed up, huh?

What it comes down to for me is that if there is a change and only one embryo is allowed to be implanted then there must be a change in the cost as well. Which the artless touches on. I know that us infertile people are viewed as somewhat fragile and we are at times but this article makes me wonder if having two, three, four, etc children who spend time in the NICU is better or if only having one, or none, is better? It is definitely a discussion to be had, but I’m not sure this one change can be made, it may need to be a string of things.

Just Be Grateful?

I am torturing  myself by reading about infertility and adoption. I go round and round in my head about how everyone must be given the right to have their own opinion but then I also feel like these comments and articles are somewhat of an attack. An attack on me and my kind (the infertile ones). Here we are longing of a child. I liken it to a wannabe actress who longs to be on stage, craves it. Well, I too crave to be in the spotlight, but of a different kind. I long to have a little one who comes to me when they are hurting, who depends on me for love, support and guidance, and who calls me Mom.

The other day I read someone who feels that adoption is wrong and children should never be severed from their “real” family so if we (those of us infertile again) really want to love a child we will accept guardianship and adoption will become illegal. My immediate reaction is HOW DARE YOU! How dare you say that we should love, care for and give our lives to a child and live in fear that you will come along any day and take the child back. This arrogance that we should just be grateful that anyone would give us a part of a child’s life since we cannot have one of our own.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be more that grateful to whomever chooses us to parent the child that she brings into this world. But I don’t believe that my fear would be good for a child. I don’t believe that I should give up my dreams of being a mother and accept whatever is given to me. I will love any child who comes into my home with all of my heart but I cannot believe that it is good for him or her to be uprooted at any time because that is what the birth mother wants.

Growing up I always new I’d be a mother, to many children I always felt. With the extra cost that may not be the case anymore but I do feel that adoption is better for the child in the end. Long term stability is much better than uncertainty I believe.

Surrounded by Adoption

My community of those who have been touched by adoption has grown by infinite numbers over the past few months. All of the online communities and when I say “we are hoping to adopt” it seems like the person knows someone, or hopes to adopt too or has adopted, or was adopted. It is amazing to me how many people out there have adoption, in some form in their lives.

As we wait patiently, at this moment anyway, I find myself so excited to hear of other peoples situations. Recently I saw a post on one of the groups from a woman who is pregnant and was hoping to find a lesbian adoptive couple. She gave a general reason as she wanted someone who is open and accepting. While I know that there are others out there who too are open and accepting this was the expectant mother’s preference and I think that should be respected. I found myself somewhat saddened by the responses she got. Most were comments like “good luck, but remember there are a lot of us out her who will be accepting,” you get the gist. I felt bad for this expectant mother because I feel she has every right to want what she wants and so I found myself thinking of a friend I had met online who fit the expectant mother’s wishes. I wasn’t sure they would hit it off but why not try, right? I nervously wrote to this friend and gave her the link to the page. She contacted her and to my overwhelming delight they matched! A wave of excitement rushed over me for her when she messaged to say they had been chosen. It was so incredible to have been a part of that and I felt privileged to have her share that with me.

So now I wonder, am I meant to work with adoptions in some way? Do I have a new calling? Who knows where life will lead me but I do know that I am headed in the right direction.

God Speed

And this marks 3!

I’ll never forget the words, “I’m sorry, it didn’t work” and I will forever have the shadows of my past hurts being unable to conceive but I know that those little souls, where ever they may be, are safe and loved and just weren’t ready yet. I find myself oddly at peace with where we have been and where we are going. The anger is no more and I often find myself thinking that even though my body let me down I know greatness is just around the corner. So today as the one year anniversary of IVF failing comes to a close I think positively and confidently say…the best is yet to come.

Is it me?

So as I sit here awaiting another hockey game I have so much running through my head. I used to have friends who would join me for things like this but today and recently, I sit alone. I don’t often feel alone but lately it seems like I am a last thought to some of my good friends. It seems like it is coming back to, you don’t have kids. Stuff like oh I can’t do that because of the kids, only to find out later that they aren’t doing anything with the kids in the first place.

Who knows, maybe it’s just me, at this stage in my life, time will tell I suppose.

Any age?

So I found myself up late last night browsing the web when I should have been organizing the office, of course. I ended up at the mentor program on the Idaho health and welfare website. Well, that lead me to Wednesday’s child. I found myself looking at the Photo listings, I am not sure I like that word, but that’s what they call them. And found a 7 year old girl. She’s stunning, there was something about her that drew me in. After reading her profile I don’t think we are right for her as we have pets and a few other things but every now and again I find myself glancing at their faces and my heart breaking for them.

I had closed out the website and then thought, maybe I should bookmark that page so I did a quick google search and came to a whole different page. So I started looking and there he was. A 9 year old boy who loves hockey, plays and tap dance. He loves to be read to and so even though Ethan and I had decided that an infant was the direction we wanted to go first of all, we didn’t rule out an older child if it was the right fit. For the first time I found myself truly wondering, is this the right fit?

I sprung it on Ethan, sorry babe, and he took some time to think about it and to my surprise, he wants to contact them and see where it leads. Are we crazy to be considering this completely new direction?


What a difference a year makes

One year ago I was on drugs, trying IVF. I had surgery to remove my right fallopian tube in November and we started our round of drugs right around Christmas. We were so hopeful and excited. Just maybe, just maybe in a few weeks we would be pregnant.

It’s amazing how all that hope and trust and here we are a year later… hoping to adopt.