Father’s Day!

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This is truly a year of firsts and Father’s Day was a special one. Not only had it been something we have been waiting for but also June is packed full of special days for us. We were both born on Father’s Day, a year apart, and so it holds a special place in our hearts. And our wedding anniversary is right in between 🙂 We surprised him with showing off her standing skills. She started Friday. I had been walking with her and let go but she stayed, just standing there with a stunned look on her face. So, we are now awaiting the walking.

It was a good day, she makes us complete. No matter where we go from here we aren’t missing any piece of ourselves anymore. It feels amazing.

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Hope restored

As I sit in her room rocking her to sleep I am soaking it all in and thinking back to all that it took to get there. She has changed our lives so much in the 5 short months that she’s been with us. Tears stream down as I think of all those who are still hoping for this bliss.

There were so many times that I felt my hope start to slip as we went through the process of infertility and adoption. Keeping the hope is such a struggle at times especially when emotions are running high. One moment in particular stands out when we were going through IVF.

We were waiting after the doctor had fertilized the eggs and so hopeful that they would grow. We had already had some hope slip away when we only had 6 eggs to fertilize, and then we got the call that only 2 were growing well and they were going to give it one more day. With that phone call all of my hope was gone. If these two eggs didn’t keep growing we weren’t going to be able to do the implantation.

Looking back today I realize it happened so that I could have this darling girl in my arms today with such an appreciation for her life and the people who chose us to be her parents. So that I could cherish each moment with her and find the thrill in every smile, change and noise she makes.

Today I have hope again. Hope that others can see through their challenges and one day look back with an understanding of the process and an appreciation for where they are.

Generalizations

I am struggling with the generalizations that many people throw around whether it be fore adoption or infertility. When we were trying IVF we were constantly being told that it is irresponsible to implant more that ___ eggs from people out on the internet, which fine, have your opinion but I am going to discuss with my doctor and make the decision that is right for me.

And now tonight I was joining a group for closed adoptions. Well, that is what we have and there were a few people on the facebook post who commented that “adoptive parents who make that decision” and that it is never in the best interest of the child and that it isn’t to be taken lightly as we will be answering to our children one day. Well, my point is that stop generalizing and stop judging because each situation is different. I can’t say that ALL closed adoptions are in the best interest of the child and I can’t say that ALL open ones are. I am not in their shoes and I just can’t judge.

I feel like these people make blanket statements and don’t realize that my situation may not be what I expected originally but it is what is right for us because we are different than everyone else.

I know I will answer to her one day and I know that I will teach her to be confident and understanding of the decisions we and her birth parents made. Because we all love her and being a parent is about making those hard decisions.

Taking Advantage – gotta get it off my chest!

I got a random message on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/HannahandEthanadoption) yesterday from the Adoption Center in Utah that was on Birthmom’s (A show on TLC). The message read about them having 8 birthmoms and needing adoptive families. He left me a phone number and said please call.

So, on my lunch break I called. As the phone rang I was somewhat hopeful that they would be a great place since they are only a state away but felt this feeling of uncertainty.

As I spoke with him he explained their set up and then he jumped to the fees. Without taking a breath he said our fees are 33-55 THOUSAND!!! Then as his run on sentence continued he said “of course that doesn’t include medical and your fee that you pay directly to the marketing firm.” He then explained that the fees vary depending on the length of their stay, includes money for them to buy groceries each week, go out to the show (isn’t that old speak for the movies?) and then sending money with them as they go home so they don’t have to work for a few months after the adoption.

Okay, so I was soaking this all in and I was okay with it. Then I asked about the cost of the marketing $9800!!!! yes, you read right. I couldn’t believe it.

So, I definitely knew this wasn’t the place for us but he was still explaining things and then he put it over the top. He was telling me that there is a woman who is due in early September, a girl. As he told me that this baby is black and if we sign up for ______, I missed that part we will get a discount and the charge will only be $28,000 (plus medical and marketing, etc.) Disregard the money I was SHOCKED at the idea that a baby could be “discounted”. I could not believe the way he was speaking to me.

I asked about the show Birthmom’s and he said yes, they were the agency from the show. I then asked about them living there and said not most agencies have that situation. Once I heard the next statistical sentence I had to work extremely hard not to hang up.

I was told that they bring them to Utah to live at the agency because there is a better chance they will place if not in their home state. He then goes on to explain the stats something like 35% more than if they stay home place their infants for adoption. All I could think was COERCION.

I just felt like whatever was happening down there was morally wrong. How could I be okay with adopting a baby from a place that felt that way? My hope is that this isn’t the standard but just this person but in my heart I just don’t feel like it is.

It was hard to bring up A New Beginning – a wonderful local agency here in Boise that truly cares for their birthmoms and adoptive parents. When I said they charge only 10,000 he came back with that if a birthmom doesn’t place then we can apply the 30-50 K to another adoption. I couldn’t resist asking if it meant that the adoption has to go through them and he said yes. A New Beginning (http://www.adoptanewbeginning.org/) has never, EVER given me that feeling and hands down I would recommend them to anyone.

We clearly cannot afford such a large sum for an adoption but I just would not feel right about adopting from them. I’m sure there are others who feel differently but I just felt like there was racism and a sense of selling in his voice and I am not okay with that.

So, I let him know that I have some concerns after watching the show and so I don’t think we will be using their agency. Before saying goodbye he made sure I was aware that other agencies would like to be in their position with too many birthmom’s and not enough families.

My heart breaks to see that this isn’t about helping expectant mothers through to make the decision that is right for them and their baby, I just don’t think that is what adoption is all about and even though my wait may be longer than others, I am okay with the decision we made to pass on this opportunity and wait because we know that ~ Our Day Will Come ~

3 Years

We are considered the Babies of Infertility because my husband and I are in our 20’s. We got married in 2005 and then 2 years later in January of 2007 decided it was time, we were going to start a family. We were so excited, prepared for it to take awhile since all the books say it might take 12 months or so but we never thought we would find ourselves still struggling to start our family 5 years later.

Today marks the 3 year anniversary of my due date from our first pregnancy. One year after we started trying we were more than excited to learn that we were expecting. 2008 had started out amazingly. Our dream was about to come true, we were going to be parents. With a plus sign our lives had changed drastically. All of a sudden we were cleaning out a bedroom, calling the doctor, changing what we ate and decorating. October 27th, 2008 was going to be an amazing day. It was the most amazing week and a half.

Then just as quickly the dark clouds rolled in. Valentine’s Day marked our loss. We were devastated and didn’t know where to go. It had been a year of let downs and this one took all we had. We felt completely alone. The doctor didn’t want to see me and no one I knew understood. It was horrible.

Today was the first year I have felt at peace. I now know that great things are coming our way as we head toward adoption.]